Grace So Undeserved

Grace. A word I don’t often understand. Grace that causes others to forgive so freely when clearly the person was in the wrong. This week I have experienced so much grace from my professors that I don’t deserve any of it. Grace from my professor about an assignment that should have been turned in two weeks ago. Grace from another professor about a topic switch for my term paper and grace from yet another professor who extended the due date for another 12-page research paper. Blessings upon blessings! I am now praying to be more intentional and productive as if not to waste this opportunity.

The ultimate example of Grace this week, I don’t know if I will ever understand it. This kind of Grace is ruthless, unwavering, constant, and abundant. This kind of Grace, doesn’t only exist in the natural world. It’s so abundant, it can’t! This kind of Grace some when the hero dies for the villain. This kind of Grace looks his persecutors in the eyes and says, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” This Grace takes his last breath in place of killing His enemies. Only this kind of Grace could exist in Jesus.

I was standing in a church last week and we were singing about God’s love for us. Tear s welled up in my eyes and I whispered,

God, I don’t understand this kind of love. I don’t understand how you love and could even die for those terrorists that kill your children. In reality, we are all terrorist against you, bound by the laws of sin/disobedience and death. How could you love us enough to give your life for them? And even after we accept that, you still help us love you even when we don’t feel like it. Please help me understand this kind of Grace and help me to love you more.

My dear friend, this Grace is calling out to you. Let Him show you what He has done for YOU.  He craves an intimate relationship with you. This Easter is all about reflecting on His sacrifice that took your place and to thank Him. Draw near to Him!

The Raw Me

I have wrestled and fought the thought about writing this post. I know it will cost me a lot of things and maybe even relationships with people or at least change their perspective about what they think of me.

I feel the need to be vulnerable.

I have been struggling a lot. I have been struggling with keeping my reputation up to par, scared other’s perception of me. I am scared to let down walls because I have been burnt by people before. (Part of it being the preacher’s kid with the reputation of “I have to have it all together or at least look like it”, and the other part is just the tough layer of skin I have developed because of the things life has thrown at me.)

It bothers me that some people think I am “perfect”, when in reality I am perfectly human and I fail daily. Compared to the world’s standards I am a good person; I go to church every week, I volunteer and do community outreach, I read the Bible and pray every day (or close to it), I am kind to people, I obey my parents, I don’t drink, smoke, or try anything else that lets me escape pain. However, I don’t live by the world’s standards, I live by God’s standards and it reveals how much I am missing.

Over the last few weeks, I have been praying for conviction of the things that I feel like have been blocking me from experiencing God on an intimate level. (For those of you that have had an experience with God like this, you know what I am talking about). However, as I have been seeking that conviction, I have been frustrated with myself that I can’t find out what I am doing wrong. I am HUMAN, which means I do things wrong all the time, but I have become desensitized to it. (You know like when you hear someone cussing for the first time and it makes you cringe, but the more you hear it the more immune to it you become? Yeah, that.) Being desensitized to sin is terrifying because it breeds apathy. My wise mother asked me, “Brindley, do you not think that the Holy Spirit, that is living and breathing inside of you, has the power to convict you of the sin that is in your life?” She was right. I was limiting God with what he could do in my life because I was trying to control the way I was acting instead of wholeheartedly seeking HIM. All he wanted was ME. He created me to have a relationship with him.

God was teaching me that worship is full surrender, not just a song you sing. In order to truly worship Him for who He is, I had to surrender everything. My wants, my desires (for the future and for the present), my dreams, my routine, my diet, my friends, my family, the things I love (my car, ice cream… come on, you knew it was coming!) my resources, EVERYTHING. Giving everything with complete abandonment without holding back, just so I could be near Jesus. HE IS WORTH IT.

Now that I knew it started with surrendered, the Holy Spirit surprised me by convicting me of something I didn’t know I was caught in. The chains wrapped around my feet which were stopping me from running to Jesus was the fear of what people think about me. Like when the Lord asks me to do something crazy and I just stand there like, “Lord that is inappropriate for the situation I am in right now, people are watching, what are they going to think, they already think I am an awesome Christian and this is going to look like I am throwing it in their face.” (Annnnd the list of excused keep on going…)

His response? “Who cares? Who cares about what they think about? Who do YOU say that I am? If you say I am Jesus your Lord, and yet you live to please someone else you are worshiping with your mind, but not your flesh.” Those words stung. I read Romans 7:7-8:17. I was undone.

It was so clear, how could I have missed that before?! I felt shame, guilt, and condemnation. A dear friend and prayer warrior pointed out, “Condemnation is not of God, because it produces guilt and shame. Conviction produces change.” I did not realize that I was bringing condemnation on myself searching for what I was doing wrong. My loving friend reminded me, “There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I was not condemned because of this fear of people’s opinions. But if I was allowing that fear to dictate my obedience, I was sinfully living in the flesh. Right there, in my “war room” under my bed, where I daily pour my heart out to God and tell Satan to take a hike, I surrendered this fear over and declared freedom. “I DECLARE FREEDOM IN JESUS’ NAME” I kept saying over and over, each time getting louder. About the tenth time of hearing myself saying it, a huge smile appeared on my face as the weight began to fall from my shoulders. I no longer live to please people or even care about what they think about me.

What does living in that freedom look like now? A change of attitude, routine, and mindset throughout the day. When the Lord asks me to do something crazy that may not make sense to other people, like hanging out with someone who no one likes to hang out with, or spend hours listening to someone who just needs to talk, or even lifting my hands in worship when I sit on the first row, I obey. No hesitation, no retreat, no worries, no judgment or second thought. Keeping my eyes on Jesus and what he wants me to do.

And just to see how the Lord has a sense of humor, later that day I was running SUPER late to class, still had to print something off, so I ran to my car and drove to the office printed my paper in less than a minute, drove across campus to class. I walked inside DURING the prayer in nothing but leggings, a hoodie, hair in a bun and glasses on my face, and the professor asked, “Well, did the Lord just wake you up?” I laughed and said, “yeah I guess you can say that,” still conscience of the whole class staring at me, but today it didn’t even matter, because I AM FREE.

“There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1

"Seeing" the Future

Emotional, that’s how I would describe the year of 2016. Anxiety, sorrow, fear, frustration, apathy, and pure joy inhabited my mind and my heart as I watched my childhood best friend graduate and move out, witnessed some dear friends make a lifelong commitment to each other, grieved the change in my amazing community of friends, facing the fear and anxiety of losing beloved family members, and finished a frustrating but rewarding semester.

How would you describe your 2016?

While I was running today, something I haven’t taken time to do so far this year, I had an epiphany. (Do you ever have those moments when you are doing something normal and suddenly it turns into a teaching moment?) It is Saturday, which being a weekly “chill day” I decided not to put my contacts in so I just stuck with wearing my glasses. I went to the gym with some friends, which was probably a bad idea since sweat and glasses don’t mix. For a differentiation in my routine, I went for a run outside after. (Now imagine: sweat + glasses + active movement = bad idea).

After a while, I slowed down for a walk and started talking with God about 2017. This year is starting a new life chapter and lots of change. Graduation in May, which means learning to say goodbye to what I have been used to the past three years. Preparing to witness childhood friends get married, moving out, moving back in, finding a job, ministry, church, friends, etc. It can be a bit overwhelming if I think about it… But the conversation on my heart today was about the Lord’s plan for my life.

Many of you know, I have spent a couple weeks in Canada over the last two summers. The last time I was in Canada, something looked and felt different. I started looking at things with familiarity, aside from the fact I have been there before of course. I began to see God in a bigger way. I saw Him move, I saw a glimmer of hope in the lives of the people we talked to. I began envisioning myself there, investing in the students’ lives, and mobilizing others to tune into what I was seeing. It was weird.

I remember the words of Henry Blackaby in his book, “Experiencing God” when he challenged his readers to “find out where God is working and ask to be a part of it.” Since I saw God working in Canada, I craved to be a part of what He is doing there. I started praying about it when I returned from my two-week trip. However, I was not actively seeking Canada, I was actively seeking the Lord and Canada kept coming up. In scriptures, I read, to learning different attributes of God, to heart prayers, it was an all-consuming thought.

Last week I received a list of all the things I would need to get in order before I were to join the team in Canada. It was overwhelming! So many things to do, on top of everything else I am already involved with this semester. I keep running to God for relief from this anxiety, which was the topic of my walk with the Lord today.

I was tired of my glasses sliding down my nose, so I took them off and held them in my hand as I walked. I looked up at the path and stopped dead in my tracks. I felt the Spirit reveal to me what journey I was on. Walking down that path with bad blurry vision, I just had to focus on the step right in front of me. I couldn’t tell where the trail was taking me, because my vision wouldn’t allow me to. However, it was like the Lord was beckoning me just to walk in faith and He would direct me.
As I walk through the future of uncertainty, I was reminded to finish the race strong and not focus on where I have been, but just the next step in front of me.

I know not many people will read this, but if you have, Thank you. I hope this encourages you that no matter what you are facing in life right now, no matter what bills you need to pay, no matter what decisions you face, the Lord only asks you to take the step in front of you.

(Picture taken from Google images)

"The heart of man plans his way,

but the LORD establishes his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

What is Rest?

Rest. I don't know the meaning of this word. In my mind, it means sleep, but that's not always true. Rest is essential to life, you cannot survive without it. A lot of times I think, "Oh, I got six to nine hours of sleep last night I have rested plenty!" But in reality, my mind and was not resting even though my body was. Rest effects your whole self - physical, emotional, and spiritual health. 
Physical rest = sleep. Check!
Emotional/ mental health = releasing stress through watching movies or doing something fun. Check!
Spirit Rest = sitting, not standing, in the presence of God is the only place you will find true rest. 
What does that look like? Jesus even made a habit to completely get alone and spend 1 on 1 time with God. He would pray and commune with God. That was so important! Yes, Jesus must have disappointed people when he left and didn't stay to help them. He was human, he needed time alone with his Father. I am no better! I am not stronger than him! I need to rest. I need to make time to rest. (Just like I make time to eat, sleep, and workout.) 
Matthew 11:28-30 says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
For the first time, I finally realized it says, "COME to me and I will GIVE you rest." He doesn't ask us to do anything except COME and receive his gift of rest. When we rest in him,  we give him compete control and show we trust him for what is best for us.  I want to encourage you to find something you enjoy doing by yourself and make time to sit still and know that he is God and that he has everything under control.  Last week after a long couple of weeks,  I finally took time at the end of the day to go for a run.  After my run,  I sat on the swing set of a local playground.  It was late I  the evening and no one was there. I was so emotional and spiritually exhausted I couldnt think of what to say or where to start.  It's hard to explain,  but the Holy Spirit knew exactly what to say for me.  He gave me peace and rest I needed.  It was as if he was talking to God on behalf of me,  crying out everything I wanted to scream and let go of. Then if felt like God was saying, "Brindley,  I know you are tired, and worn out,  but I will give you the strength,  but for now just be still and know I have everything under control." 

That is the best run I have had in a while, all because I finally MADE time in my schedule to get alone to be with God.  I challenge you to do the same and "He will give you rest." 

Life Decisions

I have had to make a lot of decisions lately. Decisions about daily tasks, (To do or not to do homework, THAT is the question….) and decisions about life, (relationships of every kind: with guys, friends, roommates, and family.) As I have been praying for wisdom, I started to read Proverbs last week. It keeps going on and on about “...treasure my commands, keep my commandments and live, do not forget your father’s teachings…” But then it encourages you to find wisdom and understanding, and I’m thinking, YES! I need wisdom and understanding! Lord, speak to me and show me what that is!

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight,” says Proverbs 9:10.

What does it mean when it says “fear?” In the first nine chapters, fear is referred to as a “reverential  awe and admiring, submissive fear.” Essentially, it is to really know God for who he is. He is the Great I Am who takes care of his children. He is the Provider, Creator, and Savior. He knows EVERYTHING about us, down to how many hairs are on our head (WOW, because I have a head FULL of long thick brown hair…) He knows my every thought, word, and action. He know how much sleep I get (or don’t get!) each night. He knows every worry, every emotion, and every concern I have ever had. Wow. I am in Awe of who he is and what he is doing. THAT is the beginning of wisdom, of knowing who God really is. If we really know who God is and what he can do, why do we worry about our daily life decisions? Don’t you think the One who created you to have needs will provide for those needs and desires? 

However, the fear of the Lord is only the “beginning of wisdom!” We must actively seek wisdom by seeking God is every aspect of our daily lives. Do you actively seek him on a daily basis? I am not talking about do you have a “quiet time” every day, or pray over your meal. I am talking about hardcore pursuing to know God and what he wants for you? (CLEARLY this is the Holy Spirit typing this, because I can honestly say I have not been doing this…) God craves a relationship with you and wants to show you his amazing plan for your life. Have you decided to write your own story instead?

He is there through life's decisions, not matter how big or small. Seek Him. 

Think on these things… If you have questions, or would like for me to pray for you, please email me.   

One Word: Incredible

This winter break was incredible: incredibly random, incredibly different, incredibly busy, and incredible impactful. Like an insane college student, I registered to take a class over the break between Christmas in New Years. (DUMB) However, this class required a trip to St. Louis for one of the biggest student missions’ conferences in the world: Urbana 15. So we loaded the 12 passenger bus at 4 o’clock in the morning two days after Christmas and headed on a 10 hour road trip through the rain and freezing cold weather.

(Side story: on my way back to school, I was literally running away from all the tornado-producing storms. Praise the Lord, I made it to campus BEFORE all the tornado alarms went off and we had to run to the shelter. AND that one of my amazing neighbors was home to give me a hug to calm me down!)

Ok, back to Urbana. They took such good care of us! We were spoiled with a suite to ourselves at the hotel we stayed at in downtown St. Louis! Nothing like a king sized bed, a sweet suite mate, and a view of downtown all to myself for the week! (Rough life, I know…)

The week was impressively organized and one of the best conferences I have been to! They literally thought of EVERY detail. Worship was amazing as we learned how our brothers and sisters all over the world worship in their cultures! Since diversity in cultures intrigue me, I was having the time of my life! Not only did we learn the songs in their language and their meanings, we got to dance in church! (The Baptist kids didn’t know what to do with themselves! I DO believe there WILL be dancing in Heaven. Get ready!)

God anointed so many godly men and women as they spoke during the general sessions and I learned something from each one of them. The seminars I got to choose where equally helpful! But what happened Wednesday night I will never forget….

The focus of the main session that night was on praying for the persecuted church. The message was about Jesus praying in the garden just before he was arrested. He took some of his disciples who fell asleep while Jesus was agonizing over his coming persecution. Jesus pleaded with the Father to take the persecution away, but ended with “Yet not MY will be done, but YOURS.” Three times he wrestled with it and surrendered until he completely accepted that he was the Fathers.

Like the disciples, we are tired of suffering and are overwhelmed, so we turn away and fall asleep. We are overwhelmed, yet Jesus went straight to prayer. The challenge: Don’t fall asleep, rise up and wait expectantly for God to act! His will be done. What is the temptation? To lose hope and to not trust in God. The victory is clear, there is a resurrection. Always! Wow.

This opened up for an opportunity to pray for an hour for these countries in a variety of different ways. On the floor around the stage they had scattered banners hanging from the ceiling with the names of persecuted countries. I decided to go down and kneel before the Kenya banner, with my missionary friend’s voice in the back of my head, “When kneeling in prayer, eventually your heart catches up with the position your body is in.”  However, after 10 minutes my legs were numb, so I stood up and starting wiping the tears off my face. In my prayers I was asking, “Lord, please teach me to pray fervently and fearlessly for my brothers and sisters. Break my heart for what breaks yours.” Tears started flowing when God brought specific people to mind, my friends who I met and spent time with in Kenya. As I was wiping them away, a guy who was sitting about 10 feet from me walked up and patted my arm as if to reassure me that I was not alone and it was going to be ok.

About this time I thought I heard a girl wailing, except there were words. She sounded upset and she kept getting louder. “Go find her,” the Holy Spirit kept prompting me. I followed the sound and found her next to the banner, kneeling with her face on the ground. I knelt beside her, put my hand on her back and began praying for her. In mid prayer, she sat up. Her face was wet and her hair was sticking to it, so she tried to clear it off so she could see me. I leaned in and asked her, “What is your name?” 

“Christina.”

“Christina, can I pray with you?”

“Of course, sister!”

At one point we stood up, my hand on her far shoulder and holding her arm in another. I started praying until I couldn’t finish a sentence due to choking back tears and then she began to pray. When she couldn’t pray, I started praying. I cannot even begin to describe what kind of a bond we had that night. I have never met this chick before in my life! We stood there holding each other weeping, crying out to God on behalf of our brothers and sisters on the other side of the world.

At one point Christina prayed in Arabic and then in English, she prayed, “Father, thank you for giving me the courage to unashamedly call on your name! Thank you for allowing me to have a relationship with you God!” She yielded, signaling for my turn to pray, I paused and quietly said, “Father, please give me the courage to pray with passion and to live unashamed for you.”

What happened next brought an ugly cry… Like the tear-falling, snot-dripping, ugly sob… She began praying for me. This was a sister who shared the same Father and the same struggles. God was using her in an incredible way in my life that moment.

Then the hour ended and we were encouraged to go to back to our seats. She gave me a big hug and said, “Thank you for praying with me sister! God bless you!” As she walked away, I thought to myself, I may never see her again on this earth, but I know we will have a sweet reunion in Heaven one day! Before heading to my seat, I knelt down one more time and asked, “God, WHAT WAS THAT?!”

You asked me to teach you to pray!

Wow. Incredible. The only word I can think of to describe what happened. It is incredible to serve a God that loves his people enough to have intimate moments like this with us. Because of what Jesus has done, we are allowed to have communion with him on a level only priests could be at! Incredible. My question to YOU, dear friend, is how are you taking advantage of this incredible opportunity to talk with God on an intimate level? 

More Faithful than the Morning....

“Come close and listen to the story, about a Love more faithful than the morning…”

What comes to mind when you hear the word “faithful?” Maybe it’s just a word that is used in church, or maybe the word “relationship” pops into your mind. What does it mean to be in a faithful relationship? That means that the man and woman are completely committed to each other no matter what happens.

The phrase used above mentions a “Love more faithful than the morning.” That phrase wrecked me when I figured out what it means. The sun rises everyday. Every. Single. Day. Without fail. No matter what season it is, no matter what the weather is like, no matter what time, it ALWAYS rises. You may not always see the sunrise, but it is always there. On cloudy or rainy mornings, we know that the sun is still shining behind the clouds.

The Love the song is talking about God’s love for his creation. No matter what we have done, are doing, and will do to disappoint Him, he STILL loves us the same. No matter what season of life you are in, no matter how busy you are to spend time with him, no matter how much you avoid him, he STILL loves you. Wow. Romans 5:6 says, “For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.” While we were sinners, helpless and weak, God died for us because he loves us. He loved us at our WORST moments. This is the mystery of the Gospel and it is so hard to wrap my mind around this.

Last week, the Holy Spirit broke me. I mean I couldn’t look at anyone, I couldn’t stand looking at myself, and I couldn’t get off my knees. God showed me what I was doing to Him. I was killing Him and living a worthless life. Sure, I would get up every day and read the devotional thought of the day and I would spend some time praying. I would go to class to study about Him in the scriptures and I would serve the people at church two days a week. I was doing all these good things for Him! But there was no heart or passion behind them. They were useless. All He wanted was ME!

I was too busy doing things FOR God I wasn’t doing things WITH God. In my mind I was still keeping my priorities right by spending time with him first thing in the morning. But it became a ritual. I was stressing out about doing good in school so I can honor Him, but I was forgetting to do it for His Glory. I was working so hard, but I was doing it in my own strength for other people.

A good friend pointed out, “Who cares if you have a degree, or a great job? If you are not spending intentional time pursuing a love relationship with Jesus, everything else is useless.” Just look at the book of Ecclesiastes! Solomon was the richest man in the world, he had so much wisdom he might as well had a PhD, and so many women he lost count. But everything was useless. He wasn’t satisfied, content, or happy. Neither was I. When I was trying to describe this to another friend I said, “It’s like I know where the well is to get the water, I lowered my bucket to get the water, but I wasn’t deep enough. I was stuck.” (And then the “Brindley Moment” came and I was excited for awesome analogy that God brought to mind. Way to go, God!)

God is still showing me what it means to pursue an intimate relationship with Him. We were each created for a relationship with Him that is real and intimate. That is my purpose. He is the only place I will ever find fulfillment and contentment that will never come from a degree, job, or a spouse. I am so thankful God is pursuing me even when I am running from him. Talk about faithfulness!

  I pray as you are reading this that God is stirring you affection for him and revealing to you how much He loves you. He has already forgiven you for EVERYTHING you have done, are doing now, and what you will do. He loves you the same and his love never changes. If you have any questions, or just need someone to pray over you, please email me. We are all in this together…