(YES, I wrote Blue Bell... I think it was one of the reasons I survived long nights of studying!)
The wall meant a lot to all of us, eventually we ran out of space! They stayed up for the next 4 months and those who saw it for the first time, stood and stared at through tears. When we finally took it down, I put all of the notes in a bag and kept them. They were too precious to throw away!
Confession time: this year I have been too busy to sit still and be thankful for all that God has done in and through me in 2018. (Is it possible to be passively thankful?) Sometimes it is easy to thankful, other times I feel like it's not enough. Like, I am not enough.
I feel like I never do enough. I am not satisfied with my work.
There are over 2,000 students that live across the street from me and I know
they are hiding in their rooms drowning in anxiety and depression. I see their
zoned out faces as I walk pass them on my way to lunch. I see the hopelessness
in their expression and gloom in their eyes. Even the ones who know Jesus and
have been walking with them for a long time are buried beneath their tasks. No
matter what effort I put into an event or time and energy I spend pouring into
others, it is never enough.
Sometimes the darkness and lostness in this place is
overwhelming. A common thought I have running through my brain is, “there are thousands
of people I pass every day and they are dying inside. They don’t know the joy
and freedom a life with Jesus brings. And what I am doing about it?!” Some days
I don’t have enough emotional energy to leave my house, some days I can’t get
off my knees. Other days, I go on about my tasks choosing not to engage anyone
in conversation and turn my face away.
I recently combed through the book “Unscripted: Learning to
share your faith in every day conversations.” by Jeff Iorg. While it is an incredible
resource to those who work, live, and play around people who do not know about
Jesus, I wrestled with it. I wrestled with discerning between shame and
conviction. Conviction is from the Holy Spirit and should produce change, but
shame paralyzes with fear or feelings of inadequacy.
But then I realized the truth of this: “My grace is sufficient
for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” When I am made low, He is
lifted up. When it is less about me, it is more about Him. He is my strength when
I have none. HE is the one working on each of the students hearts I pass by
every day. Their salvation does not solely depend on me. That was a huge weight
lifted off my shoulders which produced THANKFULNESS and gratitude. It was as
if God was whispering to me,
Brindley, I
would never ask you to do something that would require you to give out of your
natural resources. I am more than enough and will give you all you need,
Whatever doesn’t fit in your cup, is yours to share with others.
