It's called "Faith-fully Complaining"...

Seven months ago, I was walking with a friend through a park. I was sharing about some of the things I was wrestling with at the time - loneliness, lost sense of purpose, I was not happy with my circumstances, it was a typical three steps forward, two steps back. Some things were changing, others were not changing fast enough. After spilling all of that out, she looked at me and said, “Maybe you need to learn to lament…”

I had no idea what that meant, but I spend the next hour staring at the duck pond lost in thought. During the next few weeks that topic came up over 10 times. It was everywhere! I went to a conference and a friend shared this message. The next weekend I was helping host a breakout session at another conference titled “How to Worship in Hard Times.” Flipping through journal entries, I was shocked to see so many pages about this topic, (which would give anyone else who read them understandable concern!) God has been sowing these seeds in my life for MONTHS – which made me question,

  God, what are you preparing me for or who do you want me to give this word to?  

I had no idea that 2020 would radically change the plans I had mapped out for the next 8 months, in a matter of a weekend. I had no idea that school would be over, students would leave campus and I wouldn’t even get to hug them goodbye. I had no idea that I would be “stuck” in Canada not knowing when I would get to see my family again. I had no idea that an illness would become a global pandemic, forcing governments to lock down, economies to crumble, and isolate people from each other. In a matter of hours, I was faced with too many hard decisions that affected a large group of people, failing to answer the questions being thrown at me, over- analyzing whether I should go Texas before the border closed.

  God, what do you want me to do?

Silence. 

Confusion. 

Questions. 

Pain. 

Silence.  

For a while I was just numb. I didn’t know what to do, what to think, or even how to pray. Grief is a process that goes through a cycle of shock, denial, acceptance, and adapting to a new normal. I was stuck somewhere between shock and denial for over a week. I couldn’t believe what was happening on a personal level, much less a global level! Living in an international city, the fear is tangible. (Side not: I will never again watch an apocalyptic movie because I felt like I walked into one on a trip to downtown one day.) My emotions were all over the place, I was disoriented with no concept of time (or days). I had no energy, because as an extrovert, I gain energy just being around people. (This is the first time I have lived by myself, too!) I felt like I was failing others by not reaching out to check on them, because I was drowning in my own struggle.

I felt like I was at the beach standing in the ocean, turning around to enjoy the view of the shore from the water. When all of a sudden, a wave came up behind me with a powerful force, knocking my knees, pulling me under. I started flailing my arms to rise about the water so I can breathe, but it was quickly zapping my energy. Suddenly, my feet felt a rock just below the surface allowing me to stand to catch a breath. That rock became my refuge, a safe place from the waves threaten to overwhelm me.

“God is my refuge and strength, an ever-present help in times of trouble. Therefore, I will not fear, though the earth gives way and the mountains are moved into the heart of the sea.” Psalms 46:1-2

He has been my refuge – a safe place to breathe.

He has been my strength – especially when I have none.

He is an ever-present help in these troubled times. That even when things we thought were invincible and stable (like earth and mountains), we do not have fear! Just like clinging to the rock in the ocean, I cling to this truth in an ocean of uncertainty.

Psalm 46 has been on my heart, mind, and arm the past week. Literally, I designed a henna tattoo I drew on my arm as a reminder of God’s presence and strength! 

This has changed the way I have adapted to this “time of trouble”, how I structure my day, how I encourage others, and even how I pray. For a while, I was afraid to lament and intercede for others due to my own insecurities of doubts and pain. My heart was breaking for those who have no home to go to, for the students who won’t get to celebrate their hard work at graduation, for the weddings of friends being postponed, or the summer travel plans cancelled. So much loss and not enough closure. I couldn’t do it. I denied Jesus’ invitation to “weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn.” All held back because of my own weakness. Jesus was not afraid of weakness, because He saw it as an opportunity for His Father's glory to be displayed. Instead, Jesus entered into people's pain, sat with them, cried with them, prayed over them, and pointed them back to the Father. Actually, the most beautiful lament recorded is Jesus in the Garden the night before He was sent to the cross. He was lamenting over the events of the next 24 hours…

Lament – a faith-filled complaint to the Lord. Lament says "its ok not to be ok" with your circumstances, to question, and to even doubt as long as you are standing on the foundation of the Truth of who God is. Jesus was anxious about what was coming – all the suffering and pain he felt when he became the sacrifice for all humanity. He felt the weight of darkness creeping up to him, threaten to overthrow him. He was so anxious he started sweating drops of blood! 

He knew it would break his heart. 

He knew he couldn’t do it in his own strength. 

He knew that God was with Him, even then! 

Yet He surrendered, “...not my will be done, but yours, Father.” 

Did you know that 2/3 of the Psalms are laments? David asks God so many questions as he wrestles through life events and hardships during his reign as king. Yet, he was still considered a “man after God’s own heart” because his foundation was on who God was as the Great I Am. David vocally vented his frustration, pain, and confusion regarding his circumstances, but still acknowledged God as God.
I don't know about you, but I have a lot of frustration, grief, and confusion swimming through my mind during the last few weeks. I have stuggled to make sense of it, but after reflecting on all these seeds God has been sowing in my life, I take this time as an invitaion to lament. To not be ok with the circumstances around me (that doesn't mean I am negative or judgmental, but rather honest) and yet still remain firm that God is good. I have been holding on to these truths for dear life: 

He is in control and he is unchangable - when everything else is changing. 

He is unshakable - even when everything else is shifting.
He is unstoppable - he is not limited bywalls, doors, of even 6 feet.
He embraces us, holds us, provides for us, comforts us, and loves us unconditionally.  That is just who He is. 

So I will leave you with two questions to consider... 

1. What do you need to lament to God about today?

“What else alters your vision than with tears? Be religiously inappropriate, God is not limited by your vocabulary or your pride!” – Aaron White with 24/7 Prayer Canada

2. What truth about God do you cling to? (What scripture do you base your answer on?)

*Images from Google Images and https://www.tvcresources.net/resource-library/articles/the-lost-art-of-lament