When I Feel Like I Am Not Enough...

When I was in college, I remember my roommates and I started a "Thankful Wall" where we encouraged our friends to "post" something on our wall every time they came over. (It was a pun time!) It served as a great reminder to count our blessings and know that God is faithful and kind. 
(YES, I wrote Blue Bell... I think it was one of the reasons I survived long nights of studying!)

The wall meant a lot to all of us, eventually we ran out of space! They stayed up for the next 4 months and those who saw it for the first time, stood and stared at through tears. When we finally took it down, I put all of the notes in a bag and kept them. They were too precious to throw away!

Confession time: this year I have been too busy to sit still and be thankful for all that God has done in and through me in 2018. (Is it possible to be passively thankful?) Sometimes it is easy to thankful, other times I feel like it's not enough. Like, I am not enough.

I feel like I never do enough. I am not satisfied with my work.

There are over 2,000 students that live across the street from me and I know they are hiding in their rooms drowning in anxiety and depression. I see their zoned out faces as I walk pass them on my way to lunch. I see the hopelessness in their expression and gloom in their eyes. Even the ones who know Jesus and have been walking with them for a long time are buried beneath their tasks. No matter what effort I put into an event or time and energy I spend pouring into others, it is never enough. 

Sometimes the darkness and lostness in this place is overwhelming. A common thought I have running through my brain is, “there are thousands of people I pass every day and they are dying inside. They don’t know the joy and freedom a life with Jesus brings. And what I am doing about it?!” Some days I don’t have enough emotional energy to leave my house, some days I can’t get off my knees. Other days, I go on about my tasks choosing not to engage anyone in conversation and turn my face away.

I recently combed through the book “Unscripted: Learning to share your faith in every day conversations.” by Jeff Iorg. While it is an incredible resource to those who work, live, and play around people who do not know about Jesus, I wrestled with it. I wrestled with discerning between shame and conviction. Conviction is from the Holy Spirit and should produce change, but shame paralyzes with fear or feelings of inadequacy. 

But then I realized the truth of this: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” When I am made low, He is lifted up. When it is less about me, it is more about Him. He is my strength when I have none. HE is the one working on each of the students hearts I pass by every day. Their salvation does not solely depend on me. That was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders which produced THANKFULNESS and gratitude. It was as if God was whispering to me,

  Brindley, I would never ask you to do something that would require you to give out of your natural resources. I am more than enough and will give you all you need, Whatever doesn’t fit in your cup, is yours to share with others.  

So, on the days when I feel like I am not enough or the days I feel like I can't do enough, I remember to be thankful. Thankful for the grace that set me FREE. Thankful for a love that fully accepts me, totally forgives my every mistake, and lasts eternally. What are YOU thankful for? It is not just one day a year we are called to be thankful, it is a lifestyle!