The Raw Me

I have wrestled and fought the thought about writing this post. I know it will cost me a lot of things and maybe even relationships with people or at least change their perspective about what they think of me.

I feel the need to be vulnerable.

I have been struggling a lot. I have been struggling with keeping my reputation up to par, scared other’s perception of me. I am scared to let down walls because I have been burnt by people before. (Part of it being the preacher’s kid with the reputation of “I have to have it all together or at least look like it”, and the other part is just the tough layer of skin I have developed because of the things life has thrown at me.)

It bothers me that some people think I am “perfect”, when in reality I am perfectly human and I fail daily. Compared to the world’s standards I am a good person; I go to church every week, I volunteer and do community outreach, I read the Bible and pray every day (or close to it), I am kind to people, I obey my parents, I don’t drink, smoke, or try anything else that lets me escape pain. However, I don’t live by the world’s standards, I live by God’s standards and it reveals how much I am missing.

Over the last few weeks, I have been praying for conviction of the things that I feel like have been blocking me from experiencing God on an intimate level. (For those of you that have had an experience with God like this, you know what I am talking about). However, as I have been seeking that conviction, I have been frustrated with myself that I can’t find out what I am doing wrong. I am HUMAN, which means I do things wrong all the time, but I have become desensitized to it. (You know like when you hear someone cussing for the first time and it makes you cringe, but the more you hear it the more immune to it you become? Yeah, that.) Being desensitized to sin is terrifying because it breeds apathy. My wise mother asked me, “Brindley, do you not think that the Holy Spirit, that is living and breathing inside of you, has the power to convict you of the sin that is in your life?” She was right. I was limiting God with what he could do in my life because I was trying to control the way I was acting instead of wholeheartedly seeking HIM. All he wanted was ME. He created me to have a relationship with him.

God was teaching me that worship is full surrender, not just a song you sing. In order to truly worship Him for who He is, I had to surrender everything. My wants, my desires (for the future and for the present), my dreams, my routine, my diet, my friends, my family, the things I love (my car, ice cream… come on, you knew it was coming!) my resources, EVERYTHING. Giving everything with complete abandonment without holding back, just so I could be near Jesus. HE IS WORTH IT.

Now that I knew it started with surrendered, the Holy Spirit surprised me by convicting me of something I didn’t know I was caught in. The chains wrapped around my feet which were stopping me from running to Jesus was the fear of what people think about me. Like when the Lord asks me to do something crazy and I just stand there like, “Lord that is inappropriate for the situation I am in right now, people are watching, what are they going to think, they already think I am an awesome Christian and this is going to look like I am throwing it in their face.” (Annnnd the list of excused keep on going…)

His response? “Who cares? Who cares about what they think about? Who do YOU say that I am? If you say I am Jesus your Lord, and yet you live to please someone else you are worshiping with your mind, but not your flesh.” Those words stung. I read Romans 7:7-8:17. I was undone.

It was so clear, how could I have missed that before?! I felt shame, guilt, and condemnation. A dear friend and prayer warrior pointed out, “Condemnation is not of God, because it produces guilt and shame. Conviction produces change.” I did not realize that I was bringing condemnation on myself searching for what I was doing wrong. My loving friend reminded me, “There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I was not condemned because of this fear of people’s opinions. But if I was allowing that fear to dictate my obedience, I was sinfully living in the flesh. Right there, in my “war room” under my bed, where I daily pour my heart out to God and tell Satan to take a hike, I surrendered this fear over and declared freedom. “I DECLARE FREEDOM IN JESUS’ NAME” I kept saying over and over, each time getting louder. About the tenth time of hearing myself saying it, a huge smile appeared on my face as the weight began to fall from my shoulders. I no longer live to please people or even care about what they think about me.

What does living in that freedom look like now? A change of attitude, routine, and mindset throughout the day. When the Lord asks me to do something crazy that may not make sense to other people, like hanging out with someone who no one likes to hang out with, or spend hours listening to someone who just needs to talk, or even lifting my hands in worship when I sit on the first row, I obey. No hesitation, no retreat, no worries, no judgment or second thought. Keeping my eyes on Jesus and what he wants me to do.

And just to see how the Lord has a sense of humor, later that day I was running SUPER late to class, still had to print something off, so I ran to my car and drove to the office printed my paper in less than a minute, drove across campus to class. I walked inside DURING the prayer in nothing but leggings, a hoodie, hair in a bun and glasses on my face, and the professor asked, “Well, did the Lord just wake you up?” I laughed and said, “yeah I guess you can say that,” still conscience of the whole class staring at me, but today it didn’t even matter, because I AM FREE.

“There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1